Here Comes the Part Where I Want to Give Up
Do I even want to be a writer?
I don’t want to write today.
I don’t want to write today, and I’m starting to do that thing where I try to convince myself that maybe I don’t really want to write at all, ever, because writing is just so hard and boring and what’s the point, anyway?
Recently, I have been trying to stick to a posting schedule so that I can have some measure of accountability and so I will have a reason to force myself to write. I’ve been doing this for a little over two weeks. It’s been going pretty well.
But I don’t want to write today.
There are various reasons for this: I can’t think of anything interesting to write about (which really means that nothing on my list of ideas sounds interesting enough to me right now). I’m tired and watching TV or aimlessly scrolling through Twitter sounds a lot easier than making my brain work. Everything I do manage to write down sounds terrible and boring.
I’ve reached the part where I want to give up.
This is a place I am familiar with. When I set a new goal for myself (Say, post on Medium four times a week), I start out excited. I work hard and go strong for the first 2–3 weeks. And then I hit a wall. I don’t want to do it anymore. I never really wanted to do it in the first place. This was all a dumb idea from the beginning.
More often then not, this is the part where I give up.
I wish I wasn’t like this. I’m trying to not be like this. But I am still like this.
I’m not sure where this tendency comes from. Maybe it’s related to my anxiety and depression. Maybe I get bored too easily. Maybe I’m just incredibly lazy.
But whatever the cause, the outcome is often the same: a trail of half-finished projects that I promise to “get around to eventually.”
Well not this time, brain! You won’t get the best of me today. Probably.
I don’t want to write today. But I’m doing it anyway.
Grace Carlson is a writer from Washington. She writes fiction, creative nonfiction, and the occasional poem. She also writes articles on travel, mental health, writing, and books. Sometimes she’s funny, or at least that’s what her mom says. Visit her blog, A Passport And A Pencil.
