Five Ways My Life Has Changed Since Developing Chronic Pain
I shouldn’t be surprised. But I am.
Three months ago, when I started getting daily, life-interrupting headaches, I wasn’t prepared for how much my life was going to change.
I never expected to be suddenly waylaid by my health; I don’t think anyone ever really expects that. Even if you’re highly anxious like myself, on some level you likely believe that serious health problems are something that happens to other people, not you.
And while I probably shouldn’t have been surprised by the ways my life has changed with chronic pain, or the challenges it has brought, I was. And I continue to be surprised when new issues crop up.
I’m so much more tired
Being in pain is exhausting.
Never mind the mental and physical energy it takes to treat your illness — from going to doctors appointments to researching treatment options — the very act of being in pain is tiring.
My pain comes in cycles, and while I have some amount of pain every day, there are days when it’s more manageable. But even on those “good” days I find myself tired. Tired from the previous day’s pain flare-up, my mind and body drained from trying to cope. Tired because I know I have to get as much done on my good days as I can, and I’m overwhelmed. Tired because I know another bad day is right around the corner. Tired because even on the days when the pain is more manageable, normal activities are still harder to complete than they were before I developed chronic pain.
In short, everything is just more draining when you are dealing with daily pain.
It feels like I have a second Job
Having chronic pain easts up a lot of my time. Not just because I can lose hours of my day in bed, trying to get through a pain flare-up. But also from all of the things I have been having to do to diagnose, treat, and manage my condition.
Finding doctors, calling doctors, going to appointments, doing home treatment like my physical therapy exercises: these are just a few of the activities that I have to somehow fit into my day that I never had to before.
When the pain first started, I was also spending a fair amount of time researching my symptoms, trying to find out what was going on and find other people who had gone through the same thing. I still do this to some extent, but not as much since I got a firmer diagnosis.
There are so many things that you have to do when you have chronic pain that you just don’t have to think about as much, if at all, when you are healthy.
The amount of time I spend dealing with my pain feels like it’s equal to taking on a second job. One that I have to pay to do and that doesn’t come with any benefits.
My anxiety is worse
When the pain first started, I lived in a constant state of high anxiety. Already an anxious person, I wasn’t prepared for the extent to which my anxiety would spiral out of control, wrapping itself around my entire existence and leaving no room for me to relax.
I worried about every new symptom, every new pain. I was convinced I was going to die of a painful, mysterious illness that no doctor would be able to diagnose in time.
These days I worry less that each new pain means I’m going to die, and more that each new pain means I am never going to be rid of it. And while my anxiety is more manageable these days and I’m working on not letting it get out of control, I would be lying if I said that my levels of anxiety are back to what they were pre-pain.
I feel more isolated
Having chronic pain is both physically and emotionally isolating.
From a practical standpoint, it’s harder to get out of the house and socialize with others when you are in pain. As a classic introvert who also works from home, it wasn’t like I was getting out that much before anyways. But my pain has taken me from being “a bit of a homebody” to “someone who doesn’t leave the house except for doctor’s appointments and grocery shopping.”
Chronic pain can also be emotionally isolating. My family, boyfriend, and best friend have all been supportive and sympathetic. But I think it’s also true that, when you are going through any kind of health issue, other people can’t fully understand what that experience is like unless they have gone through it themselves.
At the end of the day, you are the one that has to live in your body, with your pain. No one else can take on this experience for you.
And while I believe that the people who love us generally try the best they can to understand when we are suffering, it can sometimes feel like they don’t really “get it.” Which is why I think it’s important for those who are suffering from any kind of chronic pain or other health condition to seek out people who have dealt with the same thing or something similar, whether that is through in-person meetups or online communities.
At the end of the day, you are the one that has to live in your body, with your pain. No one else can take on this experience for you.
I’ve been forced to reprioritize
Of all the things the things that have surprised me about having a chronic pain condition, this is the only one that can be seen as a blessing. Because it’s a lot harder for me to do all of the things that I want to do, I’ve had to reevaluate what is important in my life and what is worthy of my limited time and energy.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about my future. How do I want my life to look in a year? In five years? What do I really want to spend my time doing, and what will be worth the effort? These are questions that we should all be considering anyways, but they are easy to place on the back burner when we get caught up in our busy day-to-day lives.
By being forced to slow down and only focus on what is necessary and important, I have started to get a better picture of what I want my life to look like and what I want to spend my time on.
Having chronic pain over the last few months has brought a lot of changes to my life, changes I wasn’t expecting and probably couldn’t have prepared for. I’m still hopeful for a future where my pain isn’t as disruptive to my life as it is now. But for now, I just have to deal with these changes as best I can.
Grace Carlson is a writer from Washington. She writes fiction, creative nonfiction, and the occasional poem. She also writes articles on travel, mental health, writing, and books. Sometimes she’s funny, or at least that’s what her mom says. Visit her blog, A Passport And A Pencil.
